Friday, January 4, 2008

Gratitude..where is it today?

This is inspired by Kari and Christy trying to find something to be grateful in each day... Today, I am trying to find a tiny bit of gratitude in a very crappy day..Okay I need this today! I am normally a very positive person and can find the silver lining in every cloud. Well this year has started with a few bumps and potholes. after a whine I will get to the gratitude part....I will spare all the details, (maybe not..hmm)they have all either been resolved or will be, with some expense but more an annoyance than anything. This week with a paper deadline looming(the 2nd..yes that was two days ago..but got an extension and am uploading the last few files as I type) My computer broke, all of my files were one it, I was faced with starting all over....it kept restarting(it is now fixed ...i am typing on it) Okay so I am preparing to start the redo..hook up Salina's computer...was successful at fixing the problem I igonored for months...i couldn't get it up onto the wireless (essential for transferring digtal files to paper company), so then i began to load software for my printer and scanner so i could rescan everything...well, hers started to shut down over and over..*sigh* panic hits...Well nothing i could do..so i decided to go snowblow..made two passes on our huge long driveway and the snowblower breaks...I can't get my computer in the next day(the 2nd..deadline day, I still had Art computer to use if needed) if I have to let Art take my truck because he can't get his car over 12" of snow...and i just didnt' have the enrgy to shovel..although i probably would have gone out and done it anyway...the angels must have been listening..an hour later I look out the window and see a giant tractor with some young man digging us out...He was one of Salina';s friends and "happened" to be in the neighborhood...Okay so now i could relax a tiny bit...So the morning of the 2nd...it is cold in here..no heat..I call for repair..they are coming in 3 hours or so...so i go to the gym...first time in 2 weeks...Repairman comes..15 minutes later heat is fixed, no charge, under warranty, YAY! So i talk to Tara...the paper company owner...she said she could work on the rest of the designs first...so i got an extension..computer guy got computer fixed within a few hours..pick it up, don't have to rescan etc...So all is well...and then my washer breaks...I do up to 15 loads a week..I can't do without a washer for long..will have to make a trip today or tomorrow to laundromat...
The worst part...I have not been sleeping..and my attitude by today is dim. I am so exhausted I can't bring myself to work out..would be so painful and my heart rate is elevated..which can lead to panic attacks... I cried so much last night. I know what the biggest problem is..my weight..and Art isn't helping. Constantly he is saying things about it..he says it is only when i say something..it doesn't feel that way to me~, he seems to talk about it all the time! I am reeeeally starting to feel even worse about it. I went through a first marriage of 12 years that I was constantly reminded about how i would look so much better if i lost weight..oh i miss those days of when you were skinny...gees maybe the men in my life only want me for my looks..what is going to happen if I stay fat forever?..huh?..am i going to be alone again for the rest of my life?..why do i keep ending up in situations that support my fears and insecurities? Or is it my fears and insecurities that make me more sensitive to the whole thing. who friggin knows...then i have a mother that told me 'Oh look I am smaller than you" gees that made me feel good..not!...that was about a year and a half ago and it still stings..it used to be the only thing I felt like I had, was my little figure and cuteness...but with that gone, I struggle...Why is my self worth so wrapped up with what dress size i wear?..so if i lose weight, is Art all of a sudden going to want me more..is he asking me to lose wieght for me..or for him?.he seems to think about it a whole heck of a lot..it must be bothering him...What happened to "if you gain weight from quitting smoking..I would rather you be round and be around longer"...well shit maybe I should start smoking again..there are some little times I still miss it~nah i won't....but damn this metabolism...and now I have to sacrifice everything..no more wine if i want to lose, that is my last vice! and I enjoy it!...working out 4-5 days a week isn't doing it...I have bruised feet and am in constant pain..God help me! I don't think that he realizes how hard this is on me..right now I just want to run away...I won't, have I have my boys...my babies..and my big kids..they are what keep me going! They love me for me..if i am fat or not and bless Jonathon's heart...he tells me everyday that he thinks I am beautiful. His name means God's Gift..and boy he is that and more!

So for today...despite all of this whining..and tears streaming down my face..I can say I am ever so grateful for my children...they love me unconditionally...even when i can't love myself that way!

4 comments:

The Backporch Artessa said...

Angela! I think you are BEAUTIFUL! From the inside out!!! (And you and I know on days like today, we don't care about the inside!!!) You are so cute on the outside too! And you are such an inspiration!!! I look at you as my mentor, and admire you daily, for your creativity and sense of style. Girl- you've got it all! Brains, Beauty, and a great personality -not to mention talent to boot!

Darya said...

Angela, I SO feel your pain. I don't know what sort of work-out you're doing at the gym that is causing bruising, but that's certainly not good. Don't they have a trainer at your gym? Might be worth a few bucks if that's what it takes. My new gym includes it in the cost, and I have my first session on Thursday evening. In the meantime, I've been doing my water aerobics, (at the same gym) and let me tell you, where bones are concerned, this is the BEST thing. I've been doing them consistantly for a year and a half now. And with my arthritis, it feels GREAT! Find someplace that has a heated indoor pool. You can go year 'round! Back in late summer, I decided I was READY to lose weight. I started watching what I eat, but not depriving myself. Its working for me. I'm down 15 lbs as of this past Wednesday. I actually added alcohol (LOL!), so it isn't necessary to give up your last vice. All things in moderation! Besides, alcohol has no fat content. Just calories. And last, you are just going to have to tune out your mom and Art. I know the words are hurtful, but they are only that. And you need to TELL Art that, if you haven't already... AS for your mom, I have gotten to where I don't call as often lately, because my parents have been saying hurtful things to me. I just won't subject myself to that. I get enough abuse from Cynthia...
So that's my advice for the day. Hang in there!
Big Hugs,
Darya

e. beck said...

i have known you for about five minutes of flickr and blogpost reading now ... and can tell you that i know you have a lot more than just cute and perky to be proud of .....

it is bad days like that one that make the average humdrum days seem fabulous ......

here's to fabulous days for you .....

Cheryl said...

Oh my goodness! You are gorgeous, as is your work...I've always thought so, just based on your flickr photos/profile pic! Thank you though for being honest in your bad day and just being "stream-of-consciousness" and letting others know they are not alone in their negative thoughts. We ALL have bad days like this and it is refereshing to know that other very beautiful, very talented women do, as well. Glad you are feeling better (since I read the NEXT entry before this one!) and things are more in perspective. But again, thank you for sharing your honest thoughts/feelings. BIG HUGS...cheryl :)